remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
