I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
