dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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