I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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