my room smells like sperm. sweet.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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