I just threw up on my dentist
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
