Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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