I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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