Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize