and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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