sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
