I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
