one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
