i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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