im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
