I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
