thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
