Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
