my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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