I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
