Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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