hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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