A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
