she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
