My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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