life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
