Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
