I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
