I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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