Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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