Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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