Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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