Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
