I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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