So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
