There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize