when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
