Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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