Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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