my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize