Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
