Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
