Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
smell my finger.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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