Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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