The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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