i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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