I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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