Need sex. Gaining weight.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
