when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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