I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
