your parents love me but you hate me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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