they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
