Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
