What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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