do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
