The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
