After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
