kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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