Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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