saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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