I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
