please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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